I'm not ready to grow up

Going through this year has made me come to the realisation of the fact that regardless of what I disliked about my life I'm still not willing to let it go. I suppose the freedom I now have has given me a chance to be who I want, but at the same time I struggle with the fact that who I want isn't really who I know I want to be. The mess is so weird, trying to hold onto in a sense my childlikeness while at the same time trying to be more "mature" so to speak. I don't think I can juggle that, actually my track record suggest I can't juggle that.

I want to be a kid I guess. It's strange because right now I know I am but at the same time I outcast myself by thinking that I'm falling behind. Everyone is moving on, but here I am stationary. With all the conflicting ideas and thoughts the only thing I can really do is accept. Accept it work with it and move forward, thats my battle.

I want love. Interpret it as you please whoever is reading this, but that's it I guess.

"I know you'll be there cause you'll know I want you to be there and we'll say hello" - Relient K

Peter.

I'm keen on finding it.

I'm looking to find myself. I suppose living for so long thinking I knew everything took its tool as I have come to realise that I never really knew me. I couldn't find words to really describe me. In a sense I'm a photo with an empty caption and well that photo really needs a quirky line for it to be complete. I want to know who me wants and aims to be. I want to know who me really likes. I want to know who me really dislikes.

I think we get the message that I want to know me. I thought perhaps I was meant to be a certain way, that everything around me was perhaps the way I am. But as much as everything around you defines you who are, it isn't necessarily true if where and how you are doesn't make you happy. Perhaps it would suggest that where you are isn't where you should be. I say that with the intention that statement to refer to a literal place of being or even the mental aspect of being. But nonetheless I believe that if where you're at doesn't make you truly happy it's time to move.

I guess with this blog I'm just really posing the question to my self where am I and who do I want to be. People would suggest looking to your heart, but I don't really know what that means. Maybe in the process of finding me, I might also find my heart.

"I'm the cop looking for the robber who stole my heart" - Peter

Peter.

Found You

Oh man, I was going through one of my old hard drives and I found this. At first I didn't really remember why I wrote it, but after hard thinking I remembered that I wrote it and promised that I would read it to my wife when I someday get married (hopefully). So for the laughs here it is.

-

Today was a good day,
The celebrations and the joys of one of the biggest commitments in life,
People gathering from all around
Family, friends, colleagues and children
All for the sake of our meeting.
The thing that holds us tight is the precious time given for one another.
I don't believe in "Love at first sight",
As love is something that is earned by hard work and money.
You may laugh at this but the fact is Love does cost alot.
Finding the right person isn't an easy task.
You can search the world and still not find anything,
But when you do find love, hold onto it tight, give it time and nurture it into something beautiful.
And only then is when you can understand the feeling of true love.
And this tonight is another example of the amazing people God has given to me,
For I have found the most precious Jewel and I'll hold on to her tight.
Everything of who you are is important to me,
You reassure me that everything will be ok though hope seems glim,
And some how find humour in my dead jokes.
You accept my flaws and foolish behaviour,
Responding with a smile telling me that You understand.
The word Perfect wouldn't be able show true meaning until it sees you,
Because you simply are.
If I could wish for anything in the world,
I wouldn't need to wish for anything, because all I ever wanted stands right in front of me.
If you don't think that I am awesome after I complete this poem,
We can conclude that at least you still are.

Written on 20/06/09 9:30 PM

-

I would change some parts of it, but I'll leave it to keep its integrity. The one part I'll change is that she is the perfect person for me, not actually perfect because that would imply there are no flaws and well we all have flaws. Also that I would thank God for her also somewhere in there, since everything I need is God and so on. But anyways I hope that made someone happy.

-

Oh on another note I've completed five out of seven goals.

"You are Lord, King of All"

Peter.

Goals.

I never really had a goal or anything I really wanted to achieve anything. So this is my small attempt to really try to achieve something other than a pass in uni.

Firstly, I need to save up around five hundred dollars for hillsong, for accomodation and other expenses. Not so excited for it right now, probably because of homework and assesment I should be doing right now.

Second, I want to lose like 5-10 kilos, oddly just realising the fact that I've been eating junk almost everyday. Must not eat delicious chicken nugggets!

Third, save up some money so I can actually say I have a savings account. It's pretty shameful right now. I literally can't buy anything except for train tickets and food. Don't ask why.

Fourth, I've always wanted to buy a camera. Not really sure If I want to buy one since everyone is getting into photography. But I will never cease to appreciate the wonders of landscape, cityscape and architecture. Probably been done before, but I can still stare at it for hours just in amazement. Not in public, that's why if I had a camera I could preserve the moment and do it in my own comfort. So this is goal is to decide whether or not I want to buy a camera.

Fifth, I would like to be able to keep my room clean for a week. Sounds easy but as soon as laziness and apathy come into play, it aint a pretty picture. Ideally I'd try to keep it clean two or three days in a row. We'll see what happens.

Sixth, I want to start talking to the people I know I can trust. Simply earning trust by entrusting.

Seventh, Pray to God daily, Read my bible daily, and be happy that he's got my back all the way.

So there we have it seven goals. First seven I have ever put up for myself let's see what happens ideally I'd like to achieve everything by the end of the year. So for the people who still read my blog, I'll stay accountable to you. Thanks.

"If anyone could make me a better person you could, all I gotta say is I must have done something good" - Relient K

Peter.

I realise.

"Nothing I could can ever say, How much I love you."

Trust is earnt by entrusting. That's my life lesson.

"baby stepps" - Angeline Nguyen

Peter.

Oh the Uni life.

It’s been about a month worth of Uni and I’ve hit the road block created by stress, lack of sleep, procrastination and ultimately laziness. I’d usually write a small story with some profound insight (at least for me anyway) but I feel that this deserves to be cut straight to the point. So here we go.

For the past few weeks we’ve had this assignment due in. I thought it would be fine so I decided I would start it yesterday night. But as I went through it I began to realise that what I knew was inadequate, so I spent about four hours staring at my screen trying to figure out something. All the while I was walking around trying to find some inspiration to finish my assignment, well at least start it anyway. So as I hit the second hours of the next day I decided I’d wake up early and maybe my mind would be a bit clearer. So I did that and woke up at the ninth hour. Three hours later still no success.

So I decided to go to Uni and go to the student learning centre and hope that they could help me out because apparently people “can’t believe they’d never gone to the centre before”. Well I went there waited for about an hour and a half and they closed without getting around to me. I was just about to break and I remembered I had my tutor’s phone number. I felt bad ashamed and unhopeful in that situation, but I felt this was my last resort because I knew even if I went home that night, it would end up the in the same result of me staring blankly at the screen for a further few hours. See in this situation I was so ridiculously scared, because for so long people have been telling me that no one in Uni cares about you and if you fall behind you’re screwed. So yeah despite all that I called him and told him that I was pretty much screwed and I received this unexpected response. “Oh I see, well lets meet up Monday for coffee straight after the lecture and I’ll help you out”. I responded with “Pardon can you repeat that last part again?”. And he replies with the same response. I was almost in a state of shock and replied “wow thank you so much”. And this rocked my world when he said “Don’t worry mate, that’s what I’m here for”. I almost cried after hearing that. Amazing grace, aye? All I can really say is thank you Mr. Watts.

I don’t deserve this kind of “Love” so to speak but he gave it anyway. Just reminds me of how Jesus loved me to the cross. I didn’t deserve it but he gave it anyway. Pretty amazing how God can teach us a lesson even in an unexpected way.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me”

Peter.

What to write.

A whole month, without hearing a thing. It's scary to not know what happened when the not so obvious disappearance of someone you know is left with no answers. It's like those moments where you are like "Oh yeah I wonder where (person) is". We would assume that the best feeling would be knowing that they are in ok, but the way it goes for me is more of an "oh cool(sarcastically)" kind of response. I guess it's because really everything just returns to normal and well normal does tend to get boring at times. Maybe I'm just a bit selfish who knows. We all want something different and fresh. I think I know where to find it, do you? Thrill seekers perhaps.

Eighteen is double of nine. Too imagine that only nine years ago I was in grade 3. My have I grown in both height and width. All the good times and the bad the journey of being an official adult awaits me. I'm not really that excited about it, nor do I really care. I learnt that numbers really mean nothing at all, without a context that is. Take for example the number "8", how can you describe it? Well you can't because apart from "8" being one more than "7" it means nothing at all. I see my age as a number, something that just happens. The only thing that really makes it special wasn't determined by me but by the fact that our government gives us more privileges at this age. Whatever.

I want Him to matter because only until he matters will they matter, and only until they matter will others matter, and only until others matter will she matter. What's the matter?

"I just wanna live"- Good Charlotte

Peter.

Really?

You know what they say. "You lose a few, you gain a few", it's not true. Gaining something as a replacement is never as good as the original. I want them back. Hi?

"Just keep me where the light is" - John Mayer

Peter.

Where I'm at.

I recently discovered after many hours of thinking that I tend to blog in different phases according to my current living situation. My mind has drifted to something new and old at the same time. It brings back memories which create new ones. When something becomes more something always lessens. The vast open fields of thought have been closed to the countless hours of smashing pixels to the ground. I suppose when I'm not blogging I'm doing something even less productive. The last few weeks of my holidays are running away from me. Maybe it's time to start something new.

To be honest I'm really afraid of my new role as a Youth leader. I'm afraid that what I say may not be one hundred percent correct at times. I really need to work on it I suppose. It's all far to new for me. I guess I'll find out sooner or later if I dived in to it too fast.

That's where I'm at right now I suppose, I don't usually blog like this, just saying everything out right that is. I just guess my lack of thought in recent days hasn't allowed me to do so. This will have to do for now.

"Say what you mean, and mean what you say" - Jeremy Van

Peter.

Why?

The young boy sat there watching the waves demolish the last of the once great fortress. The natural flow of the monstrous rush of water is drawn by the gravity of the great night light taking out everything in its path. Extraordinary oranges and dark reds flooded the skies as the source of light begins to drift behind the horizon. The boy closes his eyes and allows his mind to embrace the moment with the warm sand between his fingers and crisp breeze blowing through his hair. He thinks to himself with his eyes still shut "I wonder if she's still watching me. Heh, that letter still makes me happy".

-

In every beautiful situation it is the matter of detail which draws the artists master piece. If only my articulation ability and vocabulary could describe what I see in my mind. I guess for now this will have to do.

I write as though she is still reading it. That's why.

"U do"- Big sister

Peter.

Get it?

Curiousity is an amazing thing. It allows humans to be able explore everything beyond its surface level. Without it the amazing world of technology would never exist and the human anatomy would be a myth only God would know. But we have been blessed with this strange ability. Are there times though where we might be too curious? It could possibly lead to criminal acts and things similar to that. We can say that if we weren't curious there wouldn't be crime. Interesting thought.

We all have it some more than others. The simple things when noticed are often not as simple as it seems. It's almost as though humans have developed an unspoken language where one message could have a completely obvious meaning but infact be intended to mean something completely different, and only that person would be able to pick it up. Other times it can be something that anyone can pick up but they'd have to make the effort too depending on how curious they are.

It's all about how it's said or addressed, what font they used, whether or not they used caps and their social standing. I was actually surprised to find that there was a correct way to email a person depending on their position in society and an email can be deemed rude if it does not respect the rules of emailing. It'll probably hit me when I'm older writing an email to my boss to make sure I don't get fired.

For those who notice the little things, they are in a sense more curious than others. But at the same time it could be a bad thing because then you notice everything bad and that could really dishearten you. And simple gestures could be miss interpretted at the hand of overinterpretting something. It's probably just better to ask I suppose.

Person A: Don't you get it?
Person B: There is nothing to get.
Person A: No that's not what I mean, nevermind.

Humans are indeed very interesting, too understand anyone completely can only truly be done by the handiwork of the Father. I'm glad that there is limitless things to discover and be thankful about. Now I wonder why does it rain so much in summer nowadays?


"I am the one who will swallow his pride, life as the man on the side" - John Mayer

Peter.

Up, up and We stay.

The nature of people is that we are constantly seeking people who will make us feel as though everything we are doing is right. It's natural I suppose because it gives us a lift. But when told otherwise we automatically neglect and push away. It's almost as though we have adopted the life of a seagull, where we only ever take what we like over what is actually good for us and well we all know they always come back for more. More often than not the only reason we do push others away is because they are right and it's very confronting. It's worse I suppose when we think we know but we don't actually know what we know to be true. If I were a bird I'd take a chip over bird seeds any day I suppose. Satisfying for the moment but not good for the long term. Sigh I guess if you want to help anyone in life you best not feed the birds.

"I won't always be alone" - John Mayer

Peter.

Stupid Mouth.

Talking too much ? It's like you've made the point but you continually blabber on it even though it is pretty much repeating yourself over and over. Like for a situation where you might have been helping has changed into an awkward situation where they are still in dire situation taking in too much of the same thing. Just like pain killers, you only ever take the prescribed amount, too much can be lethal. If you ever argue "I'm only trying to help" it just shows that you are trying to lift yourself up further taking advantage of the situation in an attempt to lift your standing in that relationship while little if not nothing has changed for them. Sigh it's so hard to assist others these days isn't it?

The phone is dialing as she eagerly waits for him to pick up. After a few moments she hears the pre-recorded message of the phone operator "The person you are trying to call is unavailable". Her heart drops and tears flow from her eyes. She lies on down on her worn down lounge and ponders on a loop of thoughts of what she may have done wrong. No conclusion.

The worst feeling is knowing that you've done something wrong but having no idea what you did wrong. Even worse when the communication is broken and you never find out. Tell me damit!

Do I say too much in my blogs? Maybe it's time to end it.

“I'm never speaking up again, starting now" - John Mayer

Peter.

Flustered at best.

When you think everything is ideal, the world will continually prove you wrong. One moment you are ok and it takes only one little thing to make it all mean nothing. Now is it me or you?

"Covered in rain" - John Mayer

Peter.

The Parting.

I don't know if anyone has recognised this before but just a little thing which I noticed, is that the normal definition of apart is "separated or at a distance in place or position or time" according to google, but when you split the two syllables you actually get "a part" which is the exact opposite of its original meaning. When you part apart you get the definition of being part of something.

I have too much time on my hands.

--

Person A: Hi, how are you?
Person B: I'm good, you?
Person A: Same.
Person B: Cool

Ever had this msn convo before? Don't deny it I know you have. Probably recently too. I wonder why that those who tend too have good social lives fail at having a proper conversation via instant messenger. You would think it would make it easier. Maybe instant messenger is just meant for those who fail in their social lives. I don't get it.

"You'll be on my mind, for-ever" - Norah Jones

Peter.

Speech!

I could to ___ them but not to you. Now I can __ to you but not to them. Ironic isn't it.

"Gravity, Stay the hell away from me" - John Mayer

Peter.

Note: You fill in the gap.

The Best

The best friendships are never declared.

The best relationships are never declared.

They just are.

Only one thing is needed to be declared, and that is my God is an awesome God. Even if he was undeclared you just know He is so great, I mean for one if it weren't for him I wouldn't even be on the internet. Blessings oh the blessings so much for so little really.

I never really in my heart of hearts look for love, but I do want it. I'm still learning to want to love what is important to me everyday of my life. One step at a time I suppose.

"Just keep swimming" - Dory

Peter.

I don't know.

Do you get this feeling? The feeling like every girl you like seems like she is "the one". It's weird because so many times we trick ourselves because our emotional attachment to this person makes you believe that they are the absolute best thing in the world and often you are convinced that she is the one to die for. I mean I guess it's a trap we all fall into, once I met someone talked to her about three times maybe and I was convinced for the next three months that she's the one I'm meant to be waiting for. Oh how wrong I was. How do you really know who "the one" is when every time you are convinced that they are it? I guess maybe it's just better to love everyone the same with kindness and sincerity. We can only hope for the best I suppose. We all need it and want it but I'd rather have the right love over anyones love, we just need to be patient.

"My dear we're, slow dancing in a burning room" - John Mayer

Peter.

Ps. I want it.

Hi.

I don't feel like saying hi today. Seems pointless to even try.

"'tis all" - Chi Trinh

Peter.

According to facebook

After hours of contemplating of the many ways to describe ones self, one cant help but turn to self indulging lazy methods of extracting who someone "really" is. So here is me according to facebook.

I am an expert on women
I am going to die drowning
I am an angel in human form
I am going to get 100% on my Psychology midyear
My ideal career is McDonald's Employee
I am "The sober one"
My awesome level is 70%
I am lead on the periodic table
I am Razor (dota hero)
I have a northern american accent
My real age is 16 years old
I am the fatty in my group of friends
I am 8 out of 10 on the geek level correlating the score of a gamer
I am a tom boy
I have a yellow aura
My love quote on facebook is "If i say i hate you it really means i love you"
Is a fan of:
- Being Awesome
- Slurpees!
- Mi Goreng
- Being Lazy
- theiheartrevolution
- Spot
- Texas Hold'em Poker
- Philip DeFranco
- Jackie Chan
- Chris Tucker
- HappySlip
- Hamish & Andy
- Hamish Blake
- Jay Chou
- Leeland
- John Mayer

"Hello world this is me" - Saddle Club

Peter.

Taking on water

These are the lyrics of an unreleased song from John Mayer "Taking on water". Sometimes we go and try something new and fantastic, but often we tend to drift and forget our purpose or reason. This song is exactly that and it just expresses that a little hope will go a long way we just need to trust those who love us and he who loves us to eventually bring us home.

-

On a sailboat I am,
Slowly floating nowhere,
Lost the memories of where I am and why.

Black ocean churning,
A million stars are burning,
Planetariums were right about the sky.

Once upon the day I set off on the journey,
Wishing on the wind take me far from home,
Now I'm on the waves,
And I'm taking on water, hard to see,
I won't always be alone.

There was a time when August sun was high and centered on me,
but it dipped behind my back and settled down.
Used to square up to the land, used to size it in my hand,
but it fell behind the line that meets the sky.

Once upon the day I pushed off on the journey,
Wishing on the wind to take me far from home,
Now I'm on the waves ,
And I'm taking on water, hard to see,
I won't always be alone.

Inside this storm whipping in the wind,
my sail is torn.
In other words, the ends are never not my own,
Hard to see I won't always be alone.

On a sailboat I am,
Slowly floating nowhere,
Hoping someday I wash up on someone elses shore...

"Who says I can't be free" - John Mayer

Peter.

Finding Love.

Wednesday, 6th of January, 2010.

Completed at 4:40 AM

Location: VECA Melbourne Church

-

There are many things I could say as right now my mind is simple beyond me. To say that I'm in love would be completely ridiculous as I know in the end it is just another excuse for the human want of approval. I can't seem to solve it. I look everywhere and find nothing. I'm still wanting, still needing even though I've said many times that I've given up. When actually Love is found wherever you want it to be found. Not literally, but when you being to count the blessings and good things around you, Love just seems to be a little more obvious. It's just someone had to love you enough to give you that blessing and well eventually it just leads to the one true love. I'm lost, not because I don't have a map or a GPS, but simply because I'm still untangling my way through the mazes of blessing to which at the end leads back to all I've ever wanted. It's hard, but I know for sure that it's worth it. But for now I at least hope she's ok, maybe she needs someone to count her blessings with her. We just need to open our eyes.

"I am Love" - God

Peter.