I realised the only thing matters, and that's Christ Crucified for you and for me.
It doesn't matter if you're feeling down sometimes you just need to realise that God's will for Jesus was for you and for me. So really what else shall we be down about?
I just hope I realise it everyday. Not my will but Yours Father, Amen.
Peter.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Happiness begins with Grace.
My oh my, it's been a long while since I've touched this blog. Actually I haven't touched any blog for a long time. So yeah a lot of things have happened and changed for me. I find myself reading a couple of my past blogs and think to myself "wow that was me?". It's a bit strange to find that the person I am now does not recognise the person I was only half a year ago. Strange indeed.
So anyway, I just felt like I have a lot to say right now to a lot of people but I'm a bit lazy to approach these people because I cant be bothered.
Here we go.
If anyone has hung around me lately you've probably noticed that I've been a much more happy person to say the least. It's funny for me because a lot of people go with the assumption that my trip to Vietnam was the break I needed for this to be so, however that is not the case. In fact there are several events that happened in Vietnam which were quite devastating to my family which I will not go into detail for obvious reason. I in fact left Vietnam with quite a few questions about the direction my family was headed and as you can probably tell it was very negative. So yeah to clear up it wasn't the greatest trip, but it was an eye opener for me.
So things began early last year (2010), I went into my first year of uni at RMIT studying Youth work. I wasn't ever really sure if this was what I wanted to get into or not but I was in it so yeah I just went for it. Within every new segment of life came new challenges and expectations, none that I've really lived up to at that point in my life. So basically I grew up in a family and a church surrounded by well Asians, and the expectations was for a first year Uni student, was to be studying, have a job, have a license (which I still need by the way) and do some stuff for church in order to be well considered normal so to speak. So me being apart of this family to speak I did exactly that, I was a youth leader, was studying and had a casual job at Salsas. It was fine towards the beginning and well I guess one could say pretty enjoyable. For me I guess that became the measure of success and in order to be happy I would need to have all of these things down.
But as soon as pressure was applied to me everything began to crumble. I stopped caring about all these things I just mentioned previously and everything just went downhill. School was like "eh screw this I'm gonna fail anyway", being a youth leader was super hard because I wasn't living the model life to show to the kids under my care and on top of that Salsa's new management decided they didn't like me and gave me about 3 hours of work a week which was utter crap. And all of this was just in first semester. I thought that this point in my life was when change was going to happen for me as in my previous years in high school I'd put no effort into anything I'd ever do and hence my average score in my final year. But this was not the case, I'm half way through my apparently break through year and I was already screwed. Thankfully however my tutors were understanding and helped me get through first semester without failing.
So after this comes Hillsong. I came into Hillsong with a pretty negative outlook on life seeing as I just barely scrapped through my first semester of Uni. I wont talk too much about this because there was quite alot, but to say the least there are so many lessons I take out of Hillsong which will be with me for the rest of my life. So they key messages for me were "Momentum has a grace to it", "Jesus is not worried about my storms to the point where the saviour of the world would sleep through it", "we are going to the other side", "Storms do not last" and "my circumstance is not who I am". As you can see already I could probably right an essay worth of writing for each which I probably already have in my other blogs. But yeah in a nutshell, these messages gave me a new insight and some very valuable wisdom to take into my next semester of Uni.
Now with all my apparent answers to my life I entered into my second semester of Uni. I would quickly wind up in a worse mental state than ever as all the pressure got to me again and I would be wondering to myself what have I done wrong. I was pretty useless, I had nothing to contribute to youth, still had a world of issues at work and well I pretty much was on the verge of failing that semester. I must also add that this was only midway into my second semester. So I was in a pretty tough spot at this point in time. The biggest thing for me was that I had nothing anyone could be proud of. This was so crucial for me because all my life I'd done a half ass job with everything. I thought that this year was going to be when I finally had something I could let my parents be proud of since they had given me everything and regardless of everything they still loved me. It's tough because even if I fail they treat me the same and comfort me but I couldn't sit on giving them nothing.
Before I continue, I need to say that the reason I played a lot computer games was because, it was an escape for me, for those several hours I'd play every night it would be the most peaceful times for myself and my mind for the whole day. I wouldn't be fixing my problems but not thinking about them was the next best thing I suppose. The biggest problem of this was that my parents knew nothing of what I was going through so they placed all the blame on the fact that I didn't spend enough time studying because I was playing so much, which I can't blame them since yes its partially true and also they didn't know what I was going through and all they could do was assume the least. So why am I telling you guys this? Well because this escape wasn't enough any more and at this point in time it was time to do something about my circumstance because well life caught up to me.
I went through this and decided it's time to get some more help, so I went back to my tutors and teachers who were extremely understanding and the general consensus was that I was going through clinical depression and was advised to seek advice from a doctor and possibly get some medication. In fact after hearing the symptoms I may have been going through it for well over 3-4 years which could have been the reasons for why nothing ever worked for me and a reason for my laziness and failures. And that didn't sit with me well. To think that well all my life problems could be solved with a tablet once a day was beyond me. Strangely enough a couple weeks down the track Pastor Colin comes up to me and brings up the topic of depression and suggested medication also. It was so strange for me because well I only spoke to two people about it and it was pretty random for me. Probably a week later Jon suggested it also, so I guess the general consensus was pretty much get help. My only prayer was " God do something, do anything".
At this point I pretty much gave up on Uni. My course coordinator helped me get a late withdrawal for Uni and so I don't have any fails on my record which is awesome. I still hadn't told my parents about any of this and still hadn't got any help from doctors. I did plan to go to the doctors before I told them but it never worked out that way. I just kind of waited till the last week of Uni and told my parents everything was over and that all my assignments were done so I just stay at home and worked a lot.
Eventually my Dad sat me down and started talking to me about how I should get my license and so on and so forth, but it eventually struck me and I couldn't take it any more and I told him in a nutshell the reason why nothing is getting done is because of my depression and the mindset that I am unable to do anything so why even try. So I told my mum and dad everything that needed to be said and that following weekend I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants. I mean it's a bit straightforward but this was the first time I've ever been truly honest to my parents about anything and my Dad went from being angry wondering what the hell was going with his son to the most loving person I know in my life. And that was the best thing for me.
I wanted God to do something for me and He did. Even though it might have been a small conversation with my Dad, my God always does enough and more. That year could have been the end for me became a proclamation of Gods grace.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
See now this is my testimony, that despite everything that I went through I am still here. Even though I'm not studying, I'm happy. I might not be living the model life of an Asian living in Australia but I am living my life. Despite the biggest storm of my life, I'm through to the otherside because Jesus said "we are going to the other side". I'm happy, my parents are happy to have their son and I'm still here and I have a God who is with me. What more do I need?
I still don't know who I am to be or where I'm headed in life, but it doesn't matter because the important thing is that I'm happy now. I might only be working at Salsa's but at least I'm super happy to be there. No need to worry about tomorrow if today's issues aren't fixed. I just get a feeling this year is going to be amazing for me.
I want to personally thank Cindy, Jon and Trinh for sticking it out with me, I don't know how I would have made it through last year without you guys to talk to. And also my Parents for being awesome and also all of you guys at church who even though I never told you guys anything still supported me me in prayer anyway. There are several others I need to mention but they already know how thankful I am to them.
And lastly My God. He is great and mighty. Amen
Peter.
So anyway, I just felt like I have a lot to say right now to a lot of people but I'm a bit lazy to approach these people because I cant be bothered.
Here we go.
If anyone has hung around me lately you've probably noticed that I've been a much more happy person to say the least. It's funny for me because a lot of people go with the assumption that my trip to Vietnam was the break I needed for this to be so, however that is not the case. In fact there are several events that happened in Vietnam which were quite devastating to my family which I will not go into detail for obvious reason. I in fact left Vietnam with quite a few questions about the direction my family was headed and as you can probably tell it was very negative. So yeah to clear up it wasn't the greatest trip, but it was an eye opener for me.
So things began early last year (2010), I went into my first year of uni at RMIT studying Youth work. I wasn't ever really sure if this was what I wanted to get into or not but I was in it so yeah I just went for it. Within every new segment of life came new challenges and expectations, none that I've really lived up to at that point in my life. So basically I grew up in a family and a church surrounded by well Asians, and the expectations was for a first year Uni student, was to be studying, have a job, have a license (which I still need by the way) and do some stuff for church in order to be well considered normal so to speak. So me being apart of this family to speak I did exactly that, I was a youth leader, was studying and had a casual job at Salsas. It was fine towards the beginning and well I guess one could say pretty enjoyable. For me I guess that became the measure of success and in order to be happy I would need to have all of these things down.
But as soon as pressure was applied to me everything began to crumble. I stopped caring about all these things I just mentioned previously and everything just went downhill. School was like "eh screw this I'm gonna fail anyway", being a youth leader was super hard because I wasn't living the model life to show to the kids under my care and on top of that Salsa's new management decided they didn't like me and gave me about 3 hours of work a week which was utter crap. And all of this was just in first semester. I thought that this point in my life was when change was going to happen for me as in my previous years in high school I'd put no effort into anything I'd ever do and hence my average score in my final year. But this was not the case, I'm half way through my apparently break through year and I was already screwed. Thankfully however my tutors were understanding and helped me get through first semester without failing.
So after this comes Hillsong. I came into Hillsong with a pretty negative outlook on life seeing as I just barely scrapped through my first semester of Uni. I wont talk too much about this because there was quite alot, but to say the least there are so many lessons I take out of Hillsong which will be with me for the rest of my life. So they key messages for me were "Momentum has a grace to it", "Jesus is not worried about my storms to the point where the saviour of the world would sleep through it", "we are going to the other side", "Storms do not last" and "my circumstance is not who I am". As you can see already I could probably right an essay worth of writing for each which I probably already have in my other blogs. But yeah in a nutshell, these messages gave me a new insight and some very valuable wisdom to take into my next semester of Uni.
Now with all my apparent answers to my life I entered into my second semester of Uni. I would quickly wind up in a worse mental state than ever as all the pressure got to me again and I would be wondering to myself what have I done wrong. I was pretty useless, I had nothing to contribute to youth, still had a world of issues at work and well I pretty much was on the verge of failing that semester. I must also add that this was only midway into my second semester. So I was in a pretty tough spot at this point in time. The biggest thing for me was that I had nothing anyone could be proud of. This was so crucial for me because all my life I'd done a half ass job with everything. I thought that this year was going to be when I finally had something I could let my parents be proud of since they had given me everything and regardless of everything they still loved me. It's tough because even if I fail they treat me the same and comfort me but I couldn't sit on giving them nothing.
Before I continue, I need to say that the reason I played a lot computer games was because, it was an escape for me, for those several hours I'd play every night it would be the most peaceful times for myself and my mind for the whole day. I wouldn't be fixing my problems but not thinking about them was the next best thing I suppose. The biggest problem of this was that my parents knew nothing of what I was going through so they placed all the blame on the fact that I didn't spend enough time studying because I was playing so much, which I can't blame them since yes its partially true and also they didn't know what I was going through and all they could do was assume the least. So why am I telling you guys this? Well because this escape wasn't enough any more and at this point in time it was time to do something about my circumstance because well life caught up to me.
I went through this and decided it's time to get some more help, so I went back to my tutors and teachers who were extremely understanding and the general consensus was that I was going through clinical depression and was advised to seek advice from a doctor and possibly get some medication. In fact after hearing the symptoms I may have been going through it for well over 3-4 years which could have been the reasons for why nothing ever worked for me and a reason for my laziness and failures. And that didn't sit with me well. To think that well all my life problems could be solved with a tablet once a day was beyond me. Strangely enough a couple weeks down the track Pastor Colin comes up to me and brings up the topic of depression and suggested medication also. It was so strange for me because well I only spoke to two people about it and it was pretty random for me. Probably a week later Jon suggested it also, so I guess the general consensus was pretty much get help. My only prayer was " God do something, do anything".
At this point I pretty much gave up on Uni. My course coordinator helped me get a late withdrawal for Uni and so I don't have any fails on my record which is awesome. I still hadn't told my parents about any of this and still hadn't got any help from doctors. I did plan to go to the doctors before I told them but it never worked out that way. I just kind of waited till the last week of Uni and told my parents everything was over and that all my assignments were done so I just stay at home and worked a lot.
Eventually my Dad sat me down and started talking to me about how I should get my license and so on and so forth, but it eventually struck me and I couldn't take it any more and I told him in a nutshell the reason why nothing is getting done is because of my depression and the mindset that I am unable to do anything so why even try. So I told my mum and dad everything that needed to be said and that following weekend I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants. I mean it's a bit straightforward but this was the first time I've ever been truly honest to my parents about anything and my Dad went from being angry wondering what the hell was going with his son to the most loving person I know in my life. And that was the best thing for me.
I wanted God to do something for me and He did. Even though it might have been a small conversation with my Dad, my God always does enough and more. That year could have been the end for me became a proclamation of Gods grace.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
See now this is my testimony, that despite everything that I went through I am still here. Even though I'm not studying, I'm happy. I might not be living the model life of an Asian living in Australia but I am living my life. Despite the biggest storm of my life, I'm through to the otherside because Jesus said "we are going to the other side". I'm happy, my parents are happy to have their son and I'm still here and I have a God who is with me. What more do I need?
I still don't know who I am to be or where I'm headed in life, but it doesn't matter because the important thing is that I'm happy now. I might only be working at Salsa's but at least I'm super happy to be there. No need to worry about tomorrow if today's issues aren't fixed. I just get a feeling this year is going to be amazing for me.
I want to personally thank Cindy, Jon and Trinh for sticking it out with me, I don't know how I would have made it through last year without you guys to talk to. And also my Parents for being awesome and also all of you guys at church who even though I never told you guys anything still supported me me in prayer anyway. There are several others I need to mention but they already know how thankful I am to them.
And lastly My God. He is great and mighty. Amen
Peter.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I'm not ready to grow up
Going through this year has made me come to the realisation of the fact that regardless of what I disliked about my life I'm still not willing to let it go. I suppose the freedom I now have has given me a chance to be who I want, but at the same time I struggle with the fact that who I want isn't really who I know I want to be. The mess is so weird, trying to hold onto in a sense my childlikeness while at the same time trying to be more "mature" so to speak. I don't think I can juggle that, actually my track record suggest I can't juggle that.
I want to be a kid I guess. It's strange because right now I know I am but at the same time I outcast myself by thinking that I'm falling behind. Everyone is moving on, but here I am stationary. With all the conflicting ideas and thoughts the only thing I can really do is accept. Accept it work with it and move forward, thats my battle.
I want love. Interpret it as you please whoever is reading this, but that's it I guess.
"I know you'll be there cause you'll know I want you to be there and we'll say hello" - Relient K
Peter.
I want to be a kid I guess. It's strange because right now I know I am but at the same time I outcast myself by thinking that I'm falling behind. Everyone is moving on, but here I am stationary. With all the conflicting ideas and thoughts the only thing I can really do is accept. Accept it work with it and move forward, thats my battle.
I want love. Interpret it as you please whoever is reading this, but that's it I guess.
"I know you'll be there cause you'll know I want you to be there and we'll say hello" - Relient K
Peter.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm keen on finding it.
I'm looking to find myself. I suppose living for so long thinking I knew everything took its tool as I have come to realise that I never really knew me. I couldn't find words to really describe me. In a sense I'm a photo with an empty caption and well that photo really needs a quirky line for it to be complete. I want to know who me wants and aims to be. I want to know who me really likes. I want to know who me really dislikes.
I think we get the message that I want to know me. I thought perhaps I was meant to be a certain way, that everything around me was perhaps the way I am. But as much as everything around you defines you who are, it isn't necessarily true if where and how you are doesn't make you happy. Perhaps it would suggest that where you are isn't where you should be. I say that with the intention that statement to refer to a literal place of being or even the mental aspect of being. But nonetheless I believe that if where you're at doesn't make you truly happy it's time to move.
I guess with this blog I'm just really posing the question to my self where am I and who do I want to be. People would suggest looking to your heart, but I don't really know what that means. Maybe in the process of finding me, I might also find my heart.
"I'm the cop looking for the robber who stole my heart" - Peter
Peter.
I think we get the message that I want to know me. I thought perhaps I was meant to be a certain way, that everything around me was perhaps the way I am. But as much as everything around you defines you who are, it isn't necessarily true if where and how you are doesn't make you happy. Perhaps it would suggest that where you are isn't where you should be. I say that with the intention that statement to refer to a literal place of being or even the mental aspect of being. But nonetheless I believe that if where you're at doesn't make you truly happy it's time to move.
I guess with this blog I'm just really posing the question to my self where am I and who do I want to be. People would suggest looking to your heart, but I don't really know what that means. Maybe in the process of finding me, I might also find my heart.
"I'm the cop looking for the robber who stole my heart" - Peter
Peter.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Found You
Oh man, I was going through one of my old hard drives and I found this. At first I didn't really remember why I wrote it, but after hard thinking I remembered that I wrote it and promised that I would read it to my wife when I someday get married (hopefully). So for the laughs here it is.
-
Today was a good day,
The celebrations and the joys of one of the biggest commitments in life,
People gathering from all around
Family, friends, colleagues and children
All for the sake of our meeting.
The thing that holds us tight is the precious time given for one another.
I don't believe in "Love at first sight",
As love is something that is earned by hard work and money.
You may laugh at this but the fact is Love does cost alot.
Finding the right person isn't an easy task.
You can search the world and still not find anything,
But when you do find love, hold onto it tight, give it time and nurture it into something beautiful.
And only then is when you can understand the feeling of true love.
And this tonight is another example of the amazing people God has given to me,
For I have found the most precious Jewel and I'll hold on to her tight.
Everything of who you are is important to me,
You reassure me that everything will be ok though hope seems glim,
And some how find humour in my dead jokes.
You accept my flaws and foolish behaviour,
Responding with a smile telling me that You understand.
The word Perfect wouldn't be able show true meaning until it sees you,
Because you simply are.
If I could wish for anything in the world,
I wouldn't need to wish for anything, because all I ever wanted stands right in front of me.
If you don't think that I am awesome after I complete this poem,
We can conclude that at least you still are.
Written on 20/06/09 9:30 PM
-
I would change some parts of it, but I'll leave it to keep its integrity. The one part I'll change is that she is the perfect person for me, not actually perfect because that would imply there are no flaws and well we all have flaws. Also that I would thank God for her also somewhere in there, since everything I need is God and so on. But anyways I hope that made someone happy.
-
Oh on another note I've completed five out of seven goals.
"You are Lord, King of All"
Peter.
-
Today was a good day,
The celebrations and the joys of one of the biggest commitments in life,
People gathering from all around
Family, friends, colleagues and children
All for the sake of our meeting.
The thing that holds us tight is the precious time given for one another.
I don't believe in "Love at first sight",
As love is something that is earned by hard work and money.
You may laugh at this but the fact is Love does cost alot.
Finding the right person isn't an easy task.
You can search the world and still not find anything,
But when you do find love, hold onto it tight, give it time and nurture it into something beautiful.
And only then is when you can understand the feeling of true love.
And this tonight is another example of the amazing people God has given to me,
For I have found the most precious Jewel and I'll hold on to her tight.
Everything of who you are is important to me,
You reassure me that everything will be ok though hope seems glim,
And some how find humour in my dead jokes.
You accept my flaws and foolish behaviour,
Responding with a smile telling me that You understand.
The word Perfect wouldn't be able show true meaning until it sees you,
Because you simply are.
If I could wish for anything in the world,
I wouldn't need to wish for anything, because all I ever wanted stands right in front of me.
If you don't think that I am awesome after I complete this poem,
We can conclude that at least you still are.
Written on 20/06/09 9:30 PM
-
I would change some parts of it, but I'll leave it to keep its integrity. The one part I'll change is that she is the perfect person for me, not actually perfect because that would imply there are no flaws and well we all have flaws. Also that I would thank God for her also somewhere in there, since everything I need is God and so on. But anyways I hope that made someone happy.
-
Oh on another note I've completed five out of seven goals.
"You are Lord, King of All"
Peter.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Goals.
I never really had a goal or anything I really wanted to achieve anything. So this is my small attempt to really try to achieve something other than a pass in uni.
Firstly, I need to save up around five hundred dollars for hillsong, for accomodation and other expenses. Not so excited for it right now, probably because of homework and assesment I should be doing right now.
Second, I want to lose like 5-10 kilos, oddly just realising the fact that I've been eating junk almost everyday. Must not eat delicious chicken nugggets!
Third, save up some money so I can actually say I have a savings account. It's pretty shameful right now. I literally can't buy anything except for train tickets and food. Don't ask why.
Fourth, I've always wanted to buy a camera. Not really sure If I want to buy one since everyone is getting into photography. But I will never cease to appreciate the wonders of landscape, cityscape and architecture. Probably been done before, but I can still stare at it for hours just in amazement. Not in public, that's why if I had a camera I could preserve the moment and do it in my own comfort. So this is goal is to decide whether or not I want to buy a camera.
Fifth, I would like to be able to keep my room clean for a week. Sounds easy but as soon as laziness and apathy come into play, it aint a pretty picture. Ideally I'd try to keep it clean two or three days in a row. We'll see what happens.
Sixth, I want to start talking to the people I know I can trust. Simply earning trust by entrusting.
Seventh, Pray to God daily, Read my bible daily, and be happy that he's got my back all the way.
So there we have it seven goals. First seven I have ever put up for myself let's see what happens ideally I'd like to achieve everything by the end of the year. So for the people who still read my blog, I'll stay accountable to you. Thanks.
"If anyone could make me a better person you could, all I gotta say is I must have done something good" - Relient K
Peter.
Firstly, I need to save up around five hundred dollars for hillsong, for accomodation and other expenses. Not so excited for it right now, probably because of homework and assesment I should be doing right now.
Second, I want to lose like 5-10 kilos, oddly just realising the fact that I've been eating junk almost everyday. Must not eat delicious chicken nugggets!
Third, save up some money so I can actually say I have a savings account. It's pretty shameful right now. I literally can't buy anything except for train tickets and food. Don't ask why.
Fourth, I've always wanted to buy a camera. Not really sure If I want to buy one since everyone is getting into photography. But I will never cease to appreciate the wonders of landscape, cityscape and architecture. Probably been done before, but I can still stare at it for hours just in amazement. Not in public, that's why if I had a camera I could preserve the moment and do it in my own comfort. So this is goal is to decide whether or not I want to buy a camera.
Fifth, I would like to be able to keep my room clean for a week. Sounds easy but as soon as laziness and apathy come into play, it aint a pretty picture. Ideally I'd try to keep it clean two or three days in a row. We'll see what happens.
Sixth, I want to start talking to the people I know I can trust. Simply earning trust by entrusting.
Seventh, Pray to God daily, Read my bible daily, and be happy that he's got my back all the way.
So there we have it seven goals. First seven I have ever put up for myself let's see what happens ideally I'd like to achieve everything by the end of the year. So for the people who still read my blog, I'll stay accountable to you. Thanks.
"If anyone could make me a better person you could, all I gotta say is I must have done something good" - Relient K
Peter.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I realise.
"Nothing I could can ever say, How much I love you."
Trust is earnt by entrusting. That's my life lesson.
"baby stepps" - Angeline Nguyen
Peter.
Trust is earnt by entrusting. That's my life lesson.
"baby stepps" - Angeline Nguyen
Peter.
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